


Colors

by piningfrench



Category: Here U Are (Webcomic)
Genre: College, First Kiss, Loads of pining for such a short fic, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:27:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piningfrench/pseuds/piningfrench
Summary: "It dawns on him in a shower stall at one a.m on a Thursday night, knocking the wind out of him. Imperious. Inevitable. YuYang lets his forehead flop against the cold tiles, defeated. He never stood a chance. No matter how many times he tries to fight it he keeps falling straight back down, every time a little deeper than before.""You've known this for a while now. When will you finally be brave enough to face it?"In which YuYang realises he's in love with LiHuan and it's more than he can handle. Set somewhere soon after chapter 84.





	Colors

It's already past midnight and YuYang can't see where he is going with this. He spins the pen in his hand, eyes glazing over the paper forms lying in front of him. He is supposed to hand them back to HuanWen tomorrow morning; updates on his juniors from last week's trip, just dull work. He can't focus. The light of his desk lamp is too harsh in his peripheral, his eyes stinging with lack of sleep. He screws them shut with a sigh but the comfort is only short-lived. Colours dance behind his eyelids; snippets of scenes he would rather forget about, or pretend didn't happen at all. Blue everywhere. Gray piercing through him, sky blue dye soft to the touch, ice melting in a Blue Lagoon cradled in his hands, way too late into the evening. Warm hands stroking his cheek. YuYang groans in frustration, reclining in his chair and finding solace in the shadows cast against the ceiling. He's supposed to be working. He should just get it over with and go to sleep and _move on_ , damnit. It shouldn't coil in his stomach like something blossoming, growing in his chest and cloging his throat.

YuYang considers his options; either going to the bar and getting shitfaced, or walking on campus until he cannot think anymore. Maybe calling HuanWen and complaining about his upperclassman duties again. None of them sounds appealing though; he doesn't feel like moving out of his room or talking to anyone, for that matter. If only he could stop thinking so goddamn much. _I should know better than this_ , he repeats himself, but it sounds more meaningless as time goes on.

Papers finally left abandoned, YuYang pulls himself up and gathers a fresh change of clothes to shower. He stays under the water for a while, observing small rivers form in the space between his feet, the constant pounding hitting his neck until it almost feels like turning black and blue. He prays it will clear his mind and it does for a while, until his gaze drops to his legs and the tender skin still healing at the knees. YuYang brushes a finger over the pink scar curiously. It hasn't stung in weeks and even then, it had hardly hurt. He recalls the careful hands guiding his movements, bending his legs with a feather touch, LiHuan's fingers wrapping the bandaids around his kneecaps. His heart aches. Thinking of him always comes with pangs of guilt these days. YuYang tries hard not to think as to why. He blinks slowly and here he is again, painting the back of his eyelids hues of blue.

It dawns on him in a shower stall at one a.m on a Thursday night, knocking the wind out of him. Imperious. Inevitable. YuYang lets his forehead flop against the cold tiles, defeated. He never stood a chance. No matter how many times he tries to fight it he keeps falling straight back down, every time a little deeper than before.

_You've known this for a while now. When will you finally be brave enough to face it?_

He's fallen in love with LiHuan the way a painter does, obsessed over a colour he knew but never really _saw_ until then. There is no fooling himself anymore. Before he knew it he had already fell head first into these waters. So much for keeping his feelings in check. He thinks of the pain flashing in LiHuan's eyes, his figure withdrawing in the rain until it became blurry. The hurt in his voice. The look in his eyes.

It's choking him.

He did this.

_I had to_ , he tells himself. It sounds awfully like a lie, even to his own ears.

_Was it worth it?_

He squeezes his eyes shut and sinks further into himself.

It takes the time for the water to turn cold. His walls come undone, one brick after the other, then there is the flood. It works its way in his lungs-- he's drowning again, water filling up is throat and not a single lifeline in sight. It's lonely. It's scary. YuYang wipes his eyes out with the back of his hand and laughs when it still comes out wet; it's a hollow thing that echoes against the white tiles, quivering at the edge. The water is still running so he turns it off, watching the last droplets go down the drain.

_Droplets running from his neck and down his arms as he dives underwater again. The ripples on the surface splashing quietly against his breastbone._

_Fucking blue_.

YuYang slicks his hair back, picks the rubble at his feet and builds himself up again; a force of habit. He crawls back into his bunk right after getting dressed, feeling too exhausted to think any more. He sets up an alarm for his morning classes, checking his social media by reflex. A few invitations there, drunk texts from his roomates asking him to join them, a bunch of pointless e-mails about upcoming meetings. YuYang pretends not to notice the lack of messages in his WeChat inbox. He pretends he hasn't been waiting for anything or anyone to reach out until it works. He's starting to become good at this game.

**

'Man, I can't believe you missed that party. Ji was so wasted he turned all the lyrics of _Deathless Love_ to _It's My Life_ by Bon Jovi, a complete mess' Dabai tells him at breakfast, talking agitatedly and snickering when XiaoJi splutters on his juice.

'When was the last time you actually came with us to the karaoke bar, anyway?' he complains, pointing accusingly at YuYang with the tip of his fork. 'You're letting us down, Yang! We're the best karaoke team in our department, we gotta keep up with our game.'

'Yeah, sounds about right' YuYang mumbles, biting into his food with a smile that feels off even to him. 'I'll come next time, I promise. I had to finish up an assignement.'

'Count on me to hold you to that'

Dabai is sending curious glances his way, looking like he's silently debating with himself. YuYang knows that look too well and he does not like it; Dabai is one of the few people seeing right through his bullshit.YuYang tenses, keeping his gaze pointedly glued to his plate, but his friend doesn't press it. He simply shrugs and resumes eating, and YuYang is thankful for it.

'So what are today's plans? Wanna play after tonight's lecture? XiaoJi brought back his boardgames from his parents'' Big Jiang proposes. He looks expectant, smiling encouragingly at YuYang. He feels guilty. They really are trying their best.

'Sure, sounds fun' he agrees, his smile a little more genuine. 'I need to do something first though, see you guys tonight'

He gathers his bag and with a wave to his roommates he sets off to his morning class across campus. The park is packed at this time of the day, buzzing with students converging from their dorms and the cafeteria to the junction leading to the different buildings. YuYang is lost in thought, strolling behind a group of freshmen when his eyes are drawn to the shine coming from the lake on his left. He comes to a stop near the pier, his snickers making no sound on the grass. He always finds that sunrises are the most beautiful on this part of campus. It is early enough for the pier to still be relatively desert, the sun on the horizon shyly casting its first rays along the surface. YuYang drinks in the view, lets it bathe him in gold for a few minutes. It's his favourite part of the day and one of his favourite views. _Why do I never paint here?_ he wonders as he watches birds making ripples along the water, taking the cold morning sun. His phone buzzes lightly in his jacket with a text from HuanWen, asking him if they could meet at lunch to discuss the usual school business. He sighs and quickly taps an answer, glancing one last time at the rising sun before moving towards the Art department.

**

When he arrives at his dorm that night, feeling worn off but content -which is more than he's felt like the past few days- there is already someone waiting, leaning against the railing. He cannot tell who it is from a distance; it's already eight p.m. and pitch black outside except from the occasional artificial glow coming from the street lights below. YuYang climbs the last steps to his floor, rolling his eyes at the figure ahead.

'Bai, I told you I'd come back home late, you didn't have to wait for me in the cold dumbass!' he calls out with a huff, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. He frowns when there is only the whisper of the wind answering him back, tousling the hair out of his eyes. At the sound of his voice, the shadow shifts and catches the light of a nearby light. The words die on YuYang's tongue, his steps falling short a few feet in front of his door as he recognizes the familiar shape. His mind completely stills. Something hot curls uncomfortably in his abdomen. Everything stops.

When it comes to him, YuYang can only describe it in metaphors; he is all things gold or blue, the sea gently lapping at his ankles. Ice cubes melting on his tongue, a tiger-striped blue sky.

YuYang is reminded of the lake, for some reason.

He feels a lot of things: mostly confusion, pain, _relief_. Something else making his hand twitch subconsciously at his side. LiHuan looks at him like he's waiting for YuYang to speak first but he is unable to think of anything to say, except for everything he's ever meant to say. So he keeps his mouth shut and _stares_. Five seconds until LiHuan opens his mouth, but YuYang isn't counting.

'Hey' LiHuan greets softly, so low it almost gets lost in a gust of wind picking up at the same moment. He looks tired, his complexion paler than usual and the corners of his mouth curling downwards. _It looks wrong_ , YuYang muses.

His eyes flicker over his face for a brief moment but dart back to the ground when YuYang rises his to meet them. _He can't even look at me anymore,_ he notices, and the blow of that revelation is like a punch to the stomach. It shouldn't hurt so much. It should be nothing.

He did this, he should know.

'Hey...' YuYang whispers back, shivering a little. The wind is quickly picking up around them, sending goosebumps running along his arms beneath his denim jacket. It's already January, and months since they've met for the first time. Somehow it feels like years to YuYang, like LiHuan has always been that presence walking one step ahead of him, close enough to reach but never over-bearing. Now, the space LiHuan maintains deliberately between them resembles that of a _no man's land_. YuYang waits for the first blow to bring him to his knees.

_Is he angry? Is he sad?_ he wonders as he observes him. LiHuan's face is unreadable as usual. Silence stretches, quickly becoming unbearable.

After another beat of silence, YuYang moves for the door without a word – he does not know what to say and he can't bear the weight of watching them dance around each other like strangers. He will carry on pretending nothing happened between them. He can no longer watch LiHuan struggle to talk to him. His cowardice burns hot in his veins when he feels LiHuan deflate in front of him, but he's not new to the feeling. He plays that part quite well.

Before he can take a step further though, he feels a hand grabbing for the material of his jacket, just above the wrist. The grip is light but firm, rooting him there. Pleading.

YuYang exhales shakily through his nose at the touch, relief flooding through him and making him dizzy. LiHuan's hand is warm against the fabric. He knows it's self-indulgent, something he never deserved in the first place and yet, he can't bring himself to pull away. _Let me indulge just one more time_. _Just once._

YuYang looks at him but LiHuan keeps his eyes firmly to the ground, his fist still clutching securedly the sleeve of his jacket. It looks like he's pondering over something. YuYang studies him, desperately searching for an excuse to leave, to save them both from crumbling any further. He doesn't want to witness it, he would rather go to sleep and forget. He would rather keep pretending he does not want to hold him so bad it _hurts_.

_**Why? LiHuan asks him with a look in his eyes he cannot take. He tastes salt and rain in his mouth, cannot tell where the wetness on his cheeks comes from. Is it raining? The irony is not lost on him, that he should drown while standing in the pouring rain. YuYang steels himself, fears he might rust and erode if he has to keep his defenses up any longer.** _

_**A quick pull to make it easier. He's desperate to believe it's true.** _

_**Why?** _

_**~~Because I'm scared to let you in. I'm scared you get to leave.~~** _

_**~~Because you'll find someone better and realise it didn't mean anything to you.~~** _

_**~~Because I love you and I'm scared you don't.~~** _

_**He convinces himself it's for LiHuan's sake, that it's the right thing to do. His lips curl around the words he has to say but they wither in his throat. He feels cold when he finally speaks, his voice hoarse and the words heavy like lead on his tongue. He sounds like a stranger.** _

**I hate you, actually.**

There is no beauty in the way they break together. It's not poetic nor fair. It tears him up.

He's always been a terrible liar.

LiHuan keeps a grip on his arm for a second longer than necessary until he lets it fall uselessly at YuYang's side. YuYang blinks hard, frowning at the loss before shifting his expression into something more neutral. _Pretending_ , he reminds himself. LiHuan draws back, careful to give YuYang enough space, as if he would take off if LiHuan dared to move an inch closer.

It's too much. He can't do this again.

Their eyes meet for a second and LiHuan looks surprised to find YuYang staring right back at him.

_How did we come down to this?_ he pleads silently, LiHuan's wide gaze boring into him as if he can see right through his façade.  _What happened to us?_

He should say something. He should let go, but he cannot move.

LiHuan stuffs his hands in his pockets, spine straightening and YuYang marvels in his capacity to look so strong and fragile at the same time. He opens his mouth to speak, pale blue eyes not leaving his own.

'I know...' LiHuan starts slowly, 'I know you don't want to have anything to do with me right now, but I just meant to tell you this.'

He could very well be sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool. There is water everywhere he looks, his vision blurs. _Fuck_ , it hurts. _He did this_.

'Even though I thought I understood you, I have to admit that I don't, not really. The things you have to face, I've never been familiar with them. This has never been a battle of mine. I don't know how you feel, and I'm sorry I've been acting like I did.'

LiHuan looks down briefly to the ground, as if his answers are written in the cement between them. He closes his eyes for a second, expels a sigh that sounds final. The shadows fall on the side of his face, cutting at the edge of his jaw.

He looks raw, beautiful.

_There was never any fighting this_ , YuYang realises, ground slipping under his feet.

He has been a goner since day one.

LiHuan opens his eyes once more and meets YuYang's resolutely. When he speaks again, YuYang forgets how to breathe.

'I want to understand, though. I want to figure it out, to figure _you_ out. I want to know you,' LiHuan says, his voice strong and so certain he could be talking about science and figures, like YuYang is a puzzle he's been trying to pull together. He sounds so _genuine_.

'I'm not going away,' he continues, his eyes bright, and YuYang cannot move, cannot think. He knows he should say something, anything. His eyes searches for LiHuan's, for anything to hold onto, an anchor because he's drifting, he's _sinking_ -

There is only blue, everywhere and something hot burning at its center. A flame's core, scalding. Incandescent.

YuYang's mind returns to the lake. The water leaks through the cracks in his walls and amidst it all- his heart threatening to stop, fire cursing through his veins, he feels a tear roll down his cheek.

'I'm not letting go, unless you want me to.'

LiHuan shifts then. When he looks back at him, his gaze softens and he _smiles_.

He expected the first blow like lightning struck but it still takes him off guard. He's paralysed. He is so beautiful he cannot look away.

'I am in love with you, Yang' LiHuan tells him, and there's the rolling of thunder.

He states it like it's a fact, like nothing makes sense but this, like it's his _truth_ and he carries it around like a talisman. It brings YuYang to his goddamn _knees_ , the crooked smile painted on his lips so pretty, so right, as if it has always been meant to be there.

That was an _I love you_.

That was his world shifting and everything right falling into place with it. LiHuan says something then but YuYang doesn't hear him over the sound of blood rushing to his ears; he moves, turns away, _wait_ \--

'Wait!' YuYang panics, LiHuan's name falling from his lips. LiHuan stops at the sound of his voice though he keeps his back turned to him. YuYang cannot catch his breath, his heart beating frantically against his ribcage. First, he focuses on willing the shake in his hands to subside. Then, he pushes himself forward, his feet moving at last, taking a step forward and another until he's close enough to smell LiHuan's faint cologne in the air. His head spins.

This is his one shot at making things right. He cannot fuck this up, not again.

'LiHuan, look at me' YuYang huffs, his fingers taking hold of the hand resting at LiHuan's side. When he doesn't feel LiHuan pull away, he tugs a little at his palm and twines his fingers in the space between LiHuan's. Warmth floods all through him, settles at the center of his chest.

_Yes_ , he thinks. _This is right_.

LiHuan turns around slowly, their linked hands hanging between them like a peace offering. His eyes fall on him, wide and intense. He hasn't been expecting him to reach out, YuYang realises. Bringing a hand to his face, YuYang brushes his features lightly, tracing patterns from memory where scrapes and cuts once marked his skin. LiHuan had never asked anything from him, always putting himself on the front line. He bares his soul to him like he's willing to risk it all without a second thought. How come that realisation only hits him now? How could he have been so _blind_?

At the touch of his fingers on his skin, LiHuan's eyes shut instantly, his own hand moving shyly to cup his jaw. They breathe together, chests rising and falling in unison, reveling in the revolutionary act of being able to touch each other like this.

When LiHuan finally moves, YuYang meets him in the middle.

It's not the first time that they've kissed but somehow it feels like the first. There is nothing plaguing his mind now- no alcohol, no heartbreak, only the truth. The warm press of LiHuan's lips grows urgent on his and YuYang can only comply, drawing them closer by hooking his arms around his neck. LiHuan sighs against his lips, capturing them in another breathless kiss, and he is _gone_.

Eventually LiHuan slows them down to a lazy pace, pulling their lips apart with a final graze, YuYang chasing after him subconsciously. It's not enough but LiHuan does not move far, resting his forehead lightly against his to catch his breath. Their eyes meet again, breaths mingling in their shared space. YuYang could melt at the way LiHuan looks at him then; with his face open and eyes reverent, like YuYang's ten feet solid gold and worth ten times more than he really is. He traces the hollow shape of LiHuan's cheekbone with his thumb, the thrill of touching him this way threatening to make his heart burst.

'I love you' he hums, finding LiHuan's eyes again and holding his gaze resolutely. He is not scared of what he might find there. It's as much his as it is LiHuan's. He will no longer deny it.

'I'm in love with you' YuYang repeats, unable to bite back the grin blooming on his lips.

_This is real_. There is no doubt in his mind when the words leave his lips, only his truth. He looks at LiHuan and he makes the silent promise not to take any of this for granted. He will not make the same mistake twice. _This is right_.

LiHuan reaches down for him, bridging the distance between them in a kiss so tender it makes his heart swell. YuYang kisses him back, each touch of LiHuan's skin against his a promise.

_I love you_ , he thinks, as LiHuan whispers soft words against his lips.

Behind his eyelids, everything is blue.

**Author's Note:**

> WOW two years since I actually posted something on here, and something like two years since I have actually wrote anything longer than 500 words lmao. I've been obsessed with this comic for weeks now and I just had to write that goddamn get-together scene. The wait is killing me. Anyway, hope you guys liked it!!! Please leave a comment if you did!! Talk to me!! Thank you so much <333
> 
> Fic's title inspired by Halsey's song Colors.
> 
> Fic playlist:
> 
> \- Wicked Game (cover) // Grace Carter  
> \- Only Want You // Rita Ora  
> \- Straight Back Down // Dean Lewis  
> \- Sink In // Amy Shark


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